So much for high-minded ideals and impersonal blogging. It's against my nature to not involve a portion of personal commentary in everything (well, non business-related) that I write. I find myself feeling more detached from everything except work and my own inner world, finding it increasingly difficult to connect with others. It's as if connection, family, love, are things for others and not for me. I'm sure a million people have written about feeling this way, but they tend to do it surrounded by family, friends, and significant others. I always seem to end up alone.
Other people pair off so naturally, make friends and acquaintances as easily as they breathe air. For me, I seem to make connections, but then find out, rather cruelly, how superficial they are. It's as if connection with others is the ".. something I can never have", as sung in Nine Inch Nails' song. It seems so strange that after making the commitment to work on myself, to do the emotional construction work and be a more open, loving person, I should be alone, when selfish, thick-minded people have networks of lovers and friends. Instead, I drift from one limited friendship to the next, fuck people I know I'll never see again, and wonder if I can hack another 70 years of this.
I know that although this is an open blog, it's more of a sounding board for myself. How sad, how empty of an existence this all seems sometimes. I sit here half-haunted by the past, replaying events in my mind and imagining the chance to give the perfect answer, avenge wrongs, triumph over those who have hurt me. I know these chances, with my exactly imagined scenarios, may never come, but I can't stop myself from having them. I know their lives go on, happily, and I'm the one ruminating. If only I could change my heart and turn away as quickly as they.
I find myself looking up people from past lives - college, other schools, old jobs, old encounters - on google or on their blogs, trying to see if their lives are more fulfilling than mine. Invariably, they seem to be. They reach, and even exceed their potentials, have people who love them, and do well. I sit here typing, revisiting each point at where it all went wrong, feeling I'm not leading the life that should be mine. Is it too late to get what I want? I can't apply to colleges and graduate schools I should have attended, achieving degrees I should have; all I can do is ponder the rewarding, fulfilled life I would lead today had I not royally fucked up. Everything about my life is so laughable; for someone with my potential it's been a total disaster. At least I have the serene benefit of knowing that I stand alone - no family, few friends, and isolated from most society. A comfort, really, to realise that once you've purged the posionous people and tendencies from your life, it's all up to you - and relying on one's wits and intelligence is the only true way to survive.
It's just that after the battles, I want to have someone there beside me, supporting me. Not in the traditional, paying all my bills and wiping my ass sense, but a loving collaboration of equals, standing shoulder to shoulder against whatever we encounter. To share joy and struggle with an intellectual equal, an emotionally evolved individual, to know each other and share our lives, that's my heart's desire. Not moulding some man to my idea of what his life should be, living in an x-thousand square foot ranch in the 'burbs, having cheese, crackers, and middling wine with philistines,discussing nothing of any importance. I want to live, grow, learn, travel, and prosper, and I want someone to experience that along with me, both of us loving and benefitting from the process.
